Sleeping the last few nights has been rough. It was easier to deal with Hana-Cat dying as I had, had time to prepare, I knew he was sick, I knew he would not get better. Badtz was so sudden it has blindsided me. One visit to the vet and then next time he was gone.
I had hoped the infusion of fluids and painkillers Tuesday night would help him, but they didn’t he just seemed tireder and sicker. I feel like I did after PandiCat’s death, lost and just shocked. These were my babies. I never wanted children, but I always wanted cats. Seems odd to type that out. I like people’s kids, I love my nephews, I just never wanted them for myself, I have never had my clock tick, or whatever. But cats, oh I wanted them, from the very beginning.
I have taken yesterday and today off work, I really am not doing a good job in concentrating, and even yesterday I tried to run a few minor errands and I just screwed them up, today I wrote stuff down so I don’t forget, but still my brain feels foggy. I don’t want to read or do anything. This is when I wish I watched TV, and I could lose myself in something for a few hours, but I still can’t.
I miss my kitty so bad. My house feels so empty, so barren. It is weird, so quiet and everything I do is on my own, no little faces watching me, sighing as they lay next to me, getting on the table, sitting on my papers, getting on couch, meowing when I am in the shower and closed the door. And worse of all no one to greet me when I get home, it feel so odd opening the door and no kitty waiting.
Trying… was originally published on Dreaming and Doing