I have realised that the waking up early is not the problem in my life – I woke up at 6:55 this morning – it is the doing something. I can wake up just fine, read, write and meander about the house, but I cannot eat, dress, bathe, leave the house until closer to 9. Motivation is lacking.
This weekend is my birthday weekend. Monday I shall be 35, and take the day off work. Normally I have plans for my birthday: ride all the roller coasters at 6 Flags, see Nine Inch Nails, sit on the beach at Destin, go to Callaway Gardens, visit Biltmore Estates. This year nothing. Just feel kinda blank about it. Not worried about getting older, just feel blank. My current running theory on why, is I am worn out, work, worry, house, cats, all just to much for me. Though, I am tempted to make myself a cake, A chocolate cake…hmmm sounds fun.
Today though I need to get my emissions done for my car, visit BookNook, and do laundry.
Sunday I get to adopt out the kittens. I am really tempted to keep one, but my cats would have a heart-attack, and I really should stop trying to kill myself with allergies.
I went to Charlotte’s place last night for dinner, she made a superb Chicken Curry. It was great, she had all the sambals – yoghurt, coconut, diced tomatoes and onions, cilantro, mango chutney. So fun. We are going to do a cooking class together for my birthday present.
Sometimes I want to write great works, deep introspective thoughts, other times I want to document the here and now, it is hard to balance the two.
Let me think about confession first though. Supposedly it is good for the soul; but then the person you confess to is then responsible for reaction, is that not to much to expect? The urge to tell dies when the thoughts are over analysed. But, would telling not free the thoughts and pave the way to grow?
Self awareness, a blessing or curse? I am aware of how I appear to others, and it does not worry me, except when it is truly opposite to my character. I can understand why people only see one aspect of me and then extrapolate wrongly, that does not worry me, but the assumption I am one way because what some one else has remarked without even asking me or knowing me burns.
Acceptance: I accept what happens will happen and sometimes I try nudge things more in the direction I would like, and sometimes I don’t. I accept blame for things I have done wrong and sorrow for where I have hurt people, but, I do try move on and not dwell.
Blade Runner: ” I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. “
Song to the Siren: “Did I dream you dreamed about me?